Between the terror and the longing,
Lie tears and sighs.
Between the fear of losing ground,
And hanging onto my side.
There's an existential angst that
Cannot be denied
A mortal fear of losing grip -
Barely keeping me alive.
Aug 07, 2020
Ambivalence
About This Poem
Last Few Words: If I may be so bold to even suggest it, at some subliminal kernel, the concept came to me from these sublime lines: "Between the idea And the reality Between the motion And the act Falls the Shadow" T.S. Eliot, The Hollow Men
Review Request Direction:
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
When you...
acknowledge that you are inspired by another's work, it is a great compliment. [At least I think so]. I freely admit to picking up ideas from everywhere and everyone around me. You are not comparing yourself to T.S. Eliott, merely saying that you have gotten an idea from him. I think he would be pleased. I would delete the word [in] in the last line. ~ Geezer.
.
Geezer
Well picked up on my typo. Thanks for the free card on Eliot too. Imitation is certainly the best form of flattery!
Appreciate your stopping by.
Peg
Hi Peggedit, it's fine to get
Hi Peggedit, it's fine to get inspired by famous poets. I love T.S. Elliot's The Wasteland. I've written one myself, inspired by him. The title and content of your poem is perfect. You bring across the feeling of angst and insecurity very well. My only nit is a few extra words, I'm always repeating this, so please take or toss. Below are my suggestions, Gracy
Between terror and longing,
Lie tears and sighs.
Between fear of losing ground,
hanging onto my side.
There's an existential angst,
cannot be denied.
A mortal fear of losing grip -
Barely keeping me alive.
Trimming back
Thanks so much for your encouragement and good editorial cutting!
Liked your version a whole lot!
Peg
This is a great first stanza
It had so many heavy or loaded word concepts that to me it demands further exploring in a longer poem. This stanza invites me in... now I want to know all about it.
...
Eumolpus
Just read:
"Nobody loses all the time" by ee cummings.
Given that you are a fan of his, I can see why you would want clarity through simplicity.
Would that I could. Or is that "Wish I may, wish I might"...
Something for me to bear in mind.
Thanks for the thumbs up!
Peg
Ps. Hard to flesh something out when you're subjectively immersed... Will come back to it when the whole experience is more settled.