beauty dual movement
atoms pay tribute
translucent fluid greet bones
my fingertips numb to heat
scorching the will to hide
vulnerable glow surveys the land
rising certainty of the blaze
ten thousand degrees
with a three sixty vibration
coursing power through redrock dirt
scorpions venom primitive to my strike
limbs echo past movements
that once held great prestige
in the kingdom of stories past
a looking glass of sorts
drawing in natives and pilgrims
a portal activated by senses
the lucidity of fiery nature
Comments
Third times the charm
And yes all very individual. I think it depends on the person's subconscious. Your writing for half an hour a day or listening to the strange music? Haha. Continuity and an open mind! I'm a fire sign, although it felt intense it wasn't a 'scary' feeling per say.
No not yet! I dont think I've been added formally to the workshop.
Jenny
"There is no way to peace, peace is the way"
A.J muste
There is much I like about
There is much I like about this poem especially the imagery and sonic quality
Where it seems awkward is how it seems to anchored in ego because its written in the form of a declaration ie
The beauty of dual movement
When all atoms pay tribute
Translucent fluid greets my bones
Fingertips numb to the heat
It scorches my will to cry
It may be only an idiosyncratic personal preference but this would have been more eloquent to me if it read sort of like
beauty dual movement
atoms pay tribute
translucent fluid greet bones
my fingertips numb to heat
scorching the will to cry
I don't know if you like the structure better now but it eliminates to many cumbersome articles and Is and mys; streamlines and yet remains personal
Now the poem seems thinner of course calling out for more substance which is where the focus needs to be...at least as I see it ...hope this is useful.
Best Z
dually noted Z.. Your comment
dually noted Z.. Your comment is very useful! It's funny how my ego will slip into most writes of mine. Its useful sometimes, but not exactly when trying to write fast and unedited. Will try to notice if its unconsciously slipping in going forward. If willing, let me know what you think now of the update.
Regards,
Jenny
'There is no way to peace, peace is the way.'
A.J Muste
Oh my word, this is good work.
I'm not sure if you introduced the prosodic values automatically or with consideration but it works either way.