One single voice cries in the night
Bless me Father for I have sinned
I’ve traded my soul
For one night of lust
Another answers
To whom do you pray
To save what is now mine
Amid the writhing creatures chants
The vile stench of the dead and dying
Permeates her nostrils
As gasps for air are heard
To what end have I come
All for the sake of wanting
Was it worth
This!
Incantations to the Dark One
Rise as I fall
Deeper and deeper
My eye lids open to a darkened room
Suddenly the flames rise in my unlit fireplace
Was I dreaming
I ask, as chills play tag along my spine
Comments
Whoah!
Powerful write my friend! Great imagery and story here. I loved it. I can't think of any improvements at the moment.
Chrys,
I needed punctuation,
double quotes
and question marks,
commas and exclamation points
and colons:
I love the thought,
I love the imagery as well,
but putting it all
in present tense
would give the piece
so much more impact.
Chrys
yah, it's permissable to lose the punctuation...but I still miss it!
Tense
"Amid the writhing creatures chants
The vile stench of the dead and dieing
Permeated her nostrils
As the gasping for air was heard"
Permeated is past tense
"As the gasping for air WAS heard"
"Permeates her nostrils
as gasps for air are heard"
I think they would fit better in the present, imo.
powerful write chrys
i really enjoyed it
i actually like the lack of punctuation except for the exclamation mark
very effective
love judy
xxxx
Dear Chrys,
Very intense... even eddy styx felt the tingling of the spine!
love, cat
incantations
What a write on the wages of sin ! Sneakily sinister yet obviously powerful.................scribbler
Great flow of imagery here
This is really good and I see the nightmare all too well in this one. Great job here Chris and blessings to you and Lonnie
Love,Mona
xox
Chrys, I applaud your poetry
Chrys, I applaud your poetry of recent. It's as though you've broken free...
Smashing poem! Chills indeed.
~A
p.s. I also love your new name..