Does loving you
while we're apart
still count?
Is my biggest sin
that I believe
in alternate universes?
That hope
is like a rocket ship
that can
make it
to other planets,
solar systems,
where all
is dance,
where all
is made
right.
That hope
really does
not disappoint.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Greg
I dropped the first 3 lines. You are not following that up in the poem ("if you can't be with the one you love, love the one your with"...Stephan Stills) Also I rearranged lines the stanzas. The poem reads aloud like this, not as you have written it. We will not read for example "that can" with a pause...it exists as a form issue on the page but not in the reading or sound of the poem. Lastly, each of these lines now has integrity...is a complete image or action, both depending on AND having independence. You can read the poem with a slight pause between lines, as that is the way we read blank verse (if it is to be verse and not prose. ) This is the same poem, less the first 3 lines, just connected differently. Tell me what you think?
Is my biggest sin
that I believe
in alternate universes?
That hope
is like a rocket ship
that can make it
to other planets,
solar systems,
where all is dance,
where all
is made right.
That hope
really does
not disappoint.
...
thanks Eumolpus. I like your
thanks Eumolpus. I like your rendering. especially the tip about each line having integrity.