like a river that runs
through tight slivers
in the rock
a snake in the crack
and then spreads its arms
and back out
its broad shoulders
golden
like a bear
beneath the sun
for miles and miles
sometimes your thinking
must be narrow
sometimes
wide wide wide
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi
I like the comparison between the geographic terrain and the consciousness evoked through speech
Having said that I find the language of the piece broadly speaking a bit flat and the comparison in and of itself never taking me anywhere beyond the original eminence of your witticism as if your feeling sluggish or myopic Perhaps,,,,,Turn up the heat gregwa8
ex; In the square below: a nun, on fire,
runs silently toward her god —