The sky outside has been rip clawed
By the points of pressure that leave
A paw shred that bleeds wine
Remnants of the day we let slip by
At intervals of ten, at least
I drop out the back to watch it
Darken into a hardened scar,
And there it lingers in quiet air
Waiting for a rib of wind
To tickle it into submission
Where vestige leave it may take,
And by degrees, dissipate, a dark sea
While I keep watch, the wrens
The rooks, and all their ken
Flit past its quiet dismembering
Into a dark that I can’t
Quite forget, as the last shade
Reclines behind a hill
And yet, I think, if I clawed hard
Enough at the towering darkness
I could pull the light back again.
Comments
Hi Chris
I also like the tattered sky at nightfall as the storm retreats. I think you might leave out "clawed" in first verse. It works much better in next to last line. In stanza 4 line 4 try darkness instead of dark, just reads a bit better to me........stan
a good poem
very good. needs a bit of work.
The overall tone of the poem is a bit "Thomanesque" which is not a bad thing, in that so many of our poets are so influenced by Oliver, Collins, Plath, Eliot, etc...consciously or not. such as:
While I keep watch, the wrens
The rooks, and all their ken
I think it's good to go back to our root influences, as long as we are aware. I think the end f the poem is stellar. Lately in revisiting my work after a few days/weeks I try to cut it to the bone in what is the natural habit of poets to over explain, to repeat the same idea in a different way in different stanzas. I think this is a 3 stanza poem plus coda, not 5. Not sure we need intervals of of ten, and some other stuff..also, I disagree with the comma in the title.
As usual you have great gift for words and poetic idea. This one I think can be trimmed a bit, leave a little of the abstraction out to get to that great last line.