It was a cush and seamless teenage love,
as lively as a lush verdant meadow.
She was a blossoming rose, very suave.
From dawns till evens she was like my shadow.
Acrid frigid nights seemed perpetual
yearning for morn and her cuddles again.
when even neared, we wished day were perennial,
as we spinned like yarns in bliss without restrain.
A love driven by a peerless ardor
soars high as eagles, never grows weary;
like evergreens, flourishes in splendor
whilst skeptics watch daily with fury.
Though our paths were lined with hurdles untold,
amid them we yearned for each other's hand to hold.
Comments
Hi Marvel
I have abandoned trying to write sonnets because every time I tried it was obvious (at least to me) that a syllable count was being maintained which made the poem seen unnatural to my ears. Alas you appear to have the same problem.The most obvious place is in stanza 2 line 4 where you use both as and like where either one on its own would suffice. Also in first stanza line 2 it seems a bit awkward to use lush and lushest so close together. You might use verdant in place of one or something similar.
Now, don't get me wrong I like this poem. Would not spend this much time on it if I didn't lol........stan
Hello Scribbler as always I
Hello Scribbler as always I really appreciate your reviews which is always helpful, the "as" and "Like" are actually serving different purposes.Maybe I made a mistake placing them close to each other which gave wrong interpretations. I have changed their positions please may I know if it could be seen differently from how it was.