Headlights stuck behind me,
driving on the same road as I on this lonely night,
remind me of spotlights
and of terror.
I feel the same heat behind my eyes
from burdens and insecurities that do not try to hide,
unlike the tears inside,
that worry in silence
for those lights in the mirror.
They follow close as I go
‘round corners of this road.
It’s dark, and the company
behind me tries to comfort me
as I drive through the cold and snow.
Though, I hope they turn soon,
because their brightness only seems
to frighten me.
Already struggling to go ten
in a thirty, I think I'll just end early
and pull over, so those lights
behind me can finally pass
this tired driver.
I’ve hit my limit. I’m quitting, I'm finished.
Comments
Hello Gavin
and a warm welcome to the Neopoet.
Always good to see new faces with fresh writing.
not sure I got what you wanted to say in your poem. The eyes, did they cause some fear?
What is their source?
May be its only me, but I found this a bit ambiguous.
Anyway, let's see what others might say.
Hello Rula, and thank you for
Hello Rula, and thank you for welcoming me to Neopoet, as well as commenting on my poem!
The eyes were meant to represent the insecurities inside of the speaker, as they seem to follow him as he goes, much like headlights on a lonely night. While the lights behind the speaker are trying to inspire him to keep persevering and driving along, he finds that they only add to his fears and worries. He is already unable to drive at the 'normal' pace, so he decides that he is done, hoping that the lights (and the people behind those lights) will be able to move on and no longer be slowed down by him.
I have been trying to put more meaning into less words, but this poem may have been a miss.
Thank you for commenting, friend! I am excited to be a part of this community!
Gavin
First of all, welcome to our community. Sorry, I know I'm late.
Thanks for the explanation. In truth, I'm just as lost as Rula when I first read it. I wonder if it will be better if you start with the action on the first stanza to improve the flow of the story. Here's an alternative for the first stanza. You don't have to use it but keep it in mind for the next poem. I see that you repeat the word "lights". As you can see in my example, I combined the two sentences without straying from the message. Not sure if this will help but this is my take on it.
Driving on the road at night,
a pair of headlights behind me,
feels like eyes inside me,
inspiring me to continue,
striking fire in my mind,
but I hit my limit
so I quit.
Alid
Update
Hello all who have read and/or commented!
Thank you for the advice and for your time. I reworked the poem in an attempt to improve the clarity of the message and story. Let me know what you think!