Deaf, Blind, and Mute (edited)

Great stuff. Indeed there are times were it is better to be deaf, blind, or mute. To be pure and unable to be tainted by certain horrors. Liked it a lot.

Noticed you were asking if you should change the "we(s)" to "I(s)"

In my opinion it works for me as it is. Changing to "I(s)" would work out fine. But I feel if you do that, the poem changes in that it isolates the narrator. Becomes one story. For me I feel that the poem as it is represents the emotions of a people of group who share the emotion in the poem. I'm not saying making the change is a negative or positive thing. I think in the end it is just a personal choice and how you want the poem to come off.

Hope my opinion was helpful. Good job on the poem.

I think I see the morph after each of the senses. Speak listen and see

I won't comment on the morphing aspect of the poem because I am still not proficient in the various forms. Therefore, as a fellow participant in Stan's WS, I need to provide a critic, at least at this stage, I do not feel it right to make a qualified comment about it.

However, the poem is an eye opener and stirred me for sure, especially in the context of the unfortunate scenarios unfolding around in our world and does illustrate your sensitivities as well as a sense of helplessness.

Regards,

I think this shows how effective an abrupt change can be if done right. It is the very suddenness of change in form which led me to realize that it is the dead who would speak. Had the morph been gradual, the intent might have been missed among the flow................stan

Terror of War

Posted on March 3, 2012 by Yenti

Terror of War

I cried I screamed.
I could not think, or dream of normal things.
That you out there, hold not so dear.
Faces crawling with scum, then holes,
holes in bodies, it had just begun.

A redness flows through her matted hair,
its grabbing the dust that is gathered there.
It is dragging the dust of my friend this way,
A crazy paving of red streaked clay.

My friend, my friend, why cant you wait,
a flickering smile, that’s flaunting her state.
Then that peaceful look, that held no hate,
as you slipped away from me.

Maybe you knew what lay beyond,
for you at the end of this day.
I have only to wait, sit, and pray,
that your smile is no lie,
that I could if only I…..

A vision of two children crouched by a building, being shelled, or bombed, it made no difference, in the end they both left the Earth plain.
I think I wrote this a while back when they were fighting in Lebanon.
It is a picture being repeated in my eyes each day, when will it end.
When there are no more children left to die.
Yours very sad, and your write said much, from someone that is there closer to the wars.
Yours as always Ian xx

For me, the first three stanzas were a little too short, choppy. The fourth stanza, though, had the feel of "deafening" silence at the end of each word. I didn't feel sarcasm at the end. I felt the form made it feel smooth, restful. I think it's a normal wish to have a break from horror although it does not justify denial and inaction.

Well done with the morphing. Apart from that this poem is clearly felt more than written. It touches the reader's hearts as well.

I know the dead children
will ascend to heaven
for they were innocents
murdered by heartless men

Still, my sadness, undenied
as I joined the mothers in tears
lips quivering as I cried
sharing the grief felt by my sisters

Ya Allah, I pray to you,
grant us strength to face your trials
let us be reunited with our families
with true glory in the Otherworld

Alid

This is bookmarked.
I would leave "we", and not replace it wih "I", it has more impact with the former.
I read this up to 4th stanza first, and was captivated by its truth and power, which is why, for me personally, the 5th stanza is not needed: everything you need to say about our detachment from the horrors of war has already been said, and said so well that it needs no further explanation.

This is most excellent.

You could always try shortening the lines a lot in final stanza while maintaining rhyme and see how that works for you...stan

I don't think the last stanza works. It needs to be more powerful. In fact, I'm not even certain you need it at all. The title encapsulates the point of view already.

There are a few areas where I stumbled but other than that I loved the language use..

Without reading any comments, I like this a lot,
it explains in such a lovely way, the predicament
for those in such situations, a big sigh dear Rula.
a big sigh!

Love Ann.