Rula
Rula
Mar 19, 2014

The Poet's Ode

Those buds I chose both red and rose
to please your sight whenever you paused,
you held them where the heart's enclosed,
both red and rose those buds I chose.

Those stars I honed are like gemstones,
to end your boredom when you're lone,
to cease your moans, to end your groans,
like gemstones those stars I honed.

Those odes I wrote, when ink once flowed,
to cheer you up when life is slowed,
to lift up souls and take off loads,
those odes I wrote when ink once flowed.

The roses seared, the stars just washed,
and only left the odes I wrote.

About This Poem

Style/Type: Structured: Western

Review Request Direction: What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Jordan, JOR

Favorite Poets: I favor the ones who are closer to humanity and

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

More from this author

Comments

R

raj

11 years 1 month ago

This one being a rough draft I would be looking out for the polished version. While you do that, please also work on doing a bit more with finishing lines. Presently, they seem to be ending abruptly. Just my thoughts. wait till you hear the others.

R

raj

11 years 1 month ago

I will get back to this one and take a look via the link. Right now got to scurry to work.

Rula

Rula

11 years 1 month ago

I've played a little with the rhyme sceme. You know to make a Rula-esque new form :P

E

Your words are as beautiful as ever. The flow was wonderful up until that ending. Really wanted to keep the pace going and then it was cut off. The meter, albeit not perfect, made the read effortless.

Thanks for posting. I enjoyed it.

Scott

Rula

It is a pleasure to know that you like it. You might be right re the last lines. i shall keep that in my mind if I could thought of anything to add.
Again, your input is always invaluable.

weirdelf

to swap quatrain, and as such it is excellent. It is the change in tone in the last two lines that make it closer to a sonnet form and to me are powerful and appropriate.
I have a few suggestions that are mostly to do with grammar and usage, and I am well aware they would mess with your meter and rhyming scheme so if you choose to consider them it would be your job to homogenise them to your form.

Those stars I honed alike gemstones, [are like] [also stress gemstones]
to end your boredom when you're lone, [alone]
to cease your moans, to end your groans,
'like gemstones those stars I honed. [like]

Those odes I wrote, when ink once flowed,
to cheer you up when life is slowed
to lift up souls and takeoff loads, [take off, takeoff sounds technical, like the payload of an airplane]
those odes I wrote when ink once flowed.

A truly lovely piece, Rula, I hope you don't mind hearing it in my voice.

https://soundcloud.com/jess-tapper/the-poets-ode-by-rula

 

 

Rula

Always great to hear you reading our poetry. It sounds really great with your voice. A totally different poem.
I also liked your suggestions. It is only that I tried to keep the 8 syllable count in each line, however I shall edit to those which don't affect it.
Many thanks for your generosity.

alidzain

this is a beautiful piece. Love Jess's suggestions. Well done. All it needs here is for Wes to commend and I doubt he will disagree with us..

Alid