Ascension the pitch dawn warriors
slivers and effervescence
remand to spoil and share
lee red beret rebels clarion
back into their night of days
centrifugal to partisan shadow
participle in the order of trends
winds and tame hunters oak
white wash as oyster shell
fate forced to far western-
eastern morn was mourn rebirth
four beer fur bier
for bear Appolyon shade
the crayon magazine ,
sung carrion Hades
primeval epitaph of hide and seek
no more sought for thin
gazers gloom glazier
Last Few Words: the pitch dawn warriors with their clarion are the corks that crow early in the morning bringing the stars tenure to a remand, why i say back into the night of days , is that when our morning comes to the stars it becomes their night, centrifugal to partisan shadow mean we humans our day through the rays of the sun we see our shadows, winds and tame hunters oak refer to leaves at the fall -why i used the imagery of white wash due to the sands of the beach, oyster shell can be seen just like leaves left on the ground in the fall, four beer fur bier refer to four stars in the chill morning which is like cold beer they die on their bier, the crayon magazine is a gun represented through the shank as a crayon and a magazine the bullets
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Emeka
In the absence of your detailed explanation in "Last few words" it would be difficult for many, at least amateurs like me, to unscramble the abstract. I for one like abstract but in my opinion to sustain the interest of more readers in your poem/s, you need to make optimum use of abstract to the extent that they are encouraged to unscramble the abstract and in doing so enjoy your poetry. Please consider this only as a suggestion and no more...