cornea corn near
sheaf ear air
pair there pear
whose pitch peach
binge fringe cringe
hinge fridge ridge
sedge apostate
prostrate postdate
absalom phylum
hawthorne asylum
serum slum alumni
syrup alum
harm arm ham
yearn to alarm
heart warm hawthorne
hearth earth birth autumn
Last Few Words: the absalom refers to the revolt the leaves have to the tree at autumn by falling off while they cringe to break away
Review Request Direction:
How was my language use?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
hi
I'm quite lost when I read this.Can you tell me what this piece is about?
Alid
thank you
the poem first signifies hawthorne with autumn considering the fact that during these times the decidous leaves are plucked, during the time of flourish pear, peach are peer cause they gloom together but when they start withering the fridge of winter which is cold is apostate because it promises flourish but later opts out and betrays the leaves while they fall and die, in the bible absalom revolted aginst his father so i see the leaves as revolting against the tree which is their father who houses them, this causes a harm to the ecosystem before summer reflourishes but birth autumn is the father of removal while flowers drizzle to the death
that's deep
what can I say? That's deep for me. Thing is, I write more in malay and I'm not familiar with the bible.
Alid
Sad to say
but this poem made very little sense to me. After reading your explanation, I felt you could have written something clearer, but that's just me. Your message was entirely lost in the tumble of words that seemed at best, very loosely connected (and deliberately so) and at worst, nearly nonsensical.
If that was what you were going for, then bravo.
Emeka
Your use of many words is very good now as the others have said they don't seem to make sense.
Now I would love for you to make each line a sentence.
Then once you have this using softer words between the ones you have used, then we will have a story to tell.
I shall wait for you to make a story of these words,
Your last few words of explaining what was happening ..
This is what you need to do,
Yours Ian.T