Insulated from the world, listening
to whatever selection of music
I had decided would best protect me
from the perils of dull conversation
and the lives of even duller people,
I noticed a small child, at his mother's
hip, desperately concentrating on
the banana in his hands and I smiled
memories' involuntary smile as
I was instantly transported to days
filled with laughter and soft kindness and I
could not remember when I'd given up.
Jan 31, 2014
As I Stood in Queue at the Shops One Day
About This Poem
Last Few Words: Continued pentameter blank verse with the added thought of a sonnet form. I like disusing structure as a conversation. There is nothing deep here, no subtext, just a thought I imagine folks having since I am the guy in line who talks to everyone.
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
How was my language use?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
How was the beginning/ending of the poem?
Is the internal logic consistent?
Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back
Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft
Comments
Hi Jonathan
First off going through your review request, I really don't like the title I would be happy to offer some alternatives if you want them, a poem as good as this one deserves a great title.
Your language use was superb I cant find any fault I copied it and went over it twice and I really cant find any flaws in your wording you did a great job. I could go over it and offer alternatives to some words but the words you have chosen fit the theme so well
The rhythm was awesome it flows off the tongue when read out loud with ease
Does the theme appeal to me ? very much so I love the magical quality that you have brought to such a mundane moment, but my heart fell in your last lines the discovery of loss of any sort can pull anyone up.
the beginning and the ending make a definite connection in my mind the state of mind the persons in and maybe life's pushed them into, I don't know but the loss of ... I cant think of the word I want but it will come to me later ...[insert word] ;)
total consistency in your logic [but then there always is]
I really loved this poem Jonathan I know you hate that word but I really did I think it maybe my new favourite its now bookmarked
JC x
Thanks for the read and
Thanks for the read and comments and I would be happy to review title suggestions.
With this piece, I know it did not end particularly happy but I honestly and sincerely believe the realisation of an issue can be the spark for change and by choosing an ambiguous ending I was hoping the reader would be able to better connect and realise their path was a choice rather than an instruction.
Hi Jonathan
Jayne has already made some worthy comments. I just want to share how the poem impacted me.
It lives to the proverbial truth of "beauty in simplicity" You have done that by not just creating the image but connected a reader like me to simple childhood memories which make home in our mind. I was just thinking if "could not remember when I'd given up" could be slightly modified to "could not remember when I'd grown up".. in my opinion this small change would be consistent with "the child in you is still alive",,,just a small suggestion...
Thanks for sharing this and reviving my childhood memories..
Regards.