The Bottom Line

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Bottom line dactyl (Try 3 For Critique)

These are hard and it is becoming longer words than four letters HELP.

Clearly now poets can scribe in a factual way for all
Venturing past our ways poetry talks to me
Working with pride to rejoice in the word of the poet to be
Wesley he told us how writing was flowing a little better you know

About This Poem

Last Few Words: This is my Final attempt at Dactyl or what ever the word is, I put the name of an old bird but eventually I would have made a poem about one but I ran out of ptero. yours, Sparrow

Style/Type: Free verse

Review Request Intensity: I want the raw truth, feel free to knock me on my back

Editing Stage: Editing - rough draft

About the Author

Region, Country: Leicestershire, Ex Moonraker, GBR

Favorite Poets: All those I meet or read about in my books

This user supports Neopoet so it can be free to all

Comments

Wesley needs to see this

just in case I got some syllables stressed or unstressed wrongly. So, I beg your pardon if I did any unsuccessful scansion, please.

This is how I parse, yet here how I sparse. I think you can see there are problems in each line.

The best is line four. It is clean but have a half foot too many.

Rula

I think it is becoming clearer now lol, have a look at "Try 3 " it was very hard to revise this to fit the workshop, I think maybe a complete rewrite on another subject would be better sometimes.
But I have persevered with all the writes using the same theme hope it was OK this time,
Take care young lady, I shall try not to swear in this workshop lol,
Yours Ian.T

I like it

Havent done mine yet..will by tomorrow hopefully....

Better late than never.

Your first two goes didn't work, but you recognize that.

This third try is better than you likely guess. Still some problems, but there are indications your brain is beginning to grasp this meter.

Clear-ly now / po-ets can / scribe in a / per-fec- / tions sway (the first three feet are Dactyl, but "perfections" is naturally accented on the second syllable which throws your Dactylic meter out the window)

Ven-turing / past our ways / po-etry / talks to me (Bravo)

Wor-king with / pride to re- / joice in the / word of the / po-e-tic (only in the last word do we lose it)

Wes-ley he / told us how / wri-ting was / flo-wing / fas-ter / you know ("faster" is your wrench in the works. We simply cannot speak the word without accenting the first syllable. This is the difficulty everyone is having. I believe I mentioned it to you as well elsewhere. You are allowing the natural pronunciation of a word to line up in the wrong place in the meter forcing you out of it. Isolate the individual words and you will isolate the meter. However, you obviously seem to have grasped Dactyl generally.""

Wesley

Many thanks for your correction I can see them OK now so will try and perfect this during the weekend, Yours ian.T

Ian

I stink at this...My mind rebels the strict structure....I keep trying

Carrie

I feel the same and have been writing for many, many years, joined Neo a few years ago, have done a few workshops on meter and still write as I always have, but at least I have had a go at the basis for all poetry in the normally classic field.
I mostly write for people it is only since joining here I have written for writing sake, poetry etc: .
I am not sure what my field is, I have so much to do in many fields, the main was Spiritual understanding taught to me by many hours of talking to the children and their teachers, but it was a learning curve again where the basics are taught and you have to find your own way of writing, "The Great Bear" on yenti.co.uk is a lot of Philosophies from the wisdom of the Great Bear given to me as I wrote, whereas Sadie's Diaries are from Audio tapes of me talking to the children..
So what can I say about the correct forms as in the Workshop well just stay in there and try. and you will after a while see what is required whether or not as me you ever put the form on paper.
We shall see good luck I have some Anapaest to think about LOL Yours as always Ian.T xx

I am

So over meter...no matter what it's still mixed...poems are good but not enough...starting to feel like my job...all this aggrivation because I cant count syllables...

Carrie

Try this place I use it for many things it will help with many types of poetry:- http://www.poetrysoup.com/haiku_syllable_counter/
It's not cheating its fun LOL.
Take care and hope things are becoming clearer dum da Dum Da Dum Dum Da and all the other ways of writing lol,
Yours Ian.T