Let me begin
Find truth through folly
Face the light
Practice life until theory becomes fact
Let me leap
Soar through the galaxy, spinning
So high up, gliding in blurry neon
Reaching for God at our passing glance
Catching space in my hands
Let me love
Caring arms take me to euphoria
Locks, and chains fall from my imprisoned heart
We blossom in love
Familiar smells unleash the flood of memory
Just to keep form floating
Let me sigh
To take a calm breath
Find peace in morning light
Watch lavender clouds pass
Feel God's touch in the rain
Earth beneath my feet
Head in the clouds
Let me begin
May 31, 2013
Let Me Leap
About This Poem
Style/Type: Free verse
Review Request Direction:
What did you think of my title?
What did you think of the rhythm or pattern or pacing?
How does this theme appeal to you?
Review Request Intensity: I appreciate moderate constructive criticism
Editing Stage: Editing - draft
Comments
I like this far better than "River".
River was far more emotional, but this has a solemn beauty in its language. Perhaps the difference between "desire" and "fear". Both are fodder for the poet, but the gentle loveliness here spoke more comfortably to me.
Now, just so I don't seem to be avoiding the "critical" (as I asked of you), I will say that I didn't like the turn toward the "personal" with "I drink you in". Somehow the poem was ever MORE personal when it seemed more general; when I could easily imagine it spoken TO me, possibly about me.
This is a lovely and evocative poem, Anne. I eagerly await your next.
You're to kind
Thank you for reading my work. I always take comments into consideration. Instead of "I drink you in" what would be a more general romanic verse you would replace it with? If you don't mind me asking your opinion. What about "Familiar smells unleash the flood of memory"?
This is an elegantly written poem.
My only critique is my personal prejudice,
I would replace the word god with universe.
The universe exists. God doesn't.
Thank you!
I glad you like my poetry. I will have to read yours.
I believe in God as my Creator, and that His son Jesus died to be my Savior.
The line you suggest is excellent.
All of your language is so and that was my consideration. That the poem became "personal" being spoken to an individual is not "wrong", it simply felt as though it took the poem away from me. From the beginning it spoke to "me" and it was delightful, then suddenly I lost control of it as you now are speaking to someone else.
Perhaps if the poem had NOT spoken so generally in the beginning I would have easily accepted it from that perspective.
It is a queer thing, but I felt somehow robbed of "my" poem.
Hurry and post more please.
Give it a new go! Here is
Give it a new go! Here is your stolen poem returned. :)
By the way....my user name isn't Shy Anne. My name is Shyanne like Cheyenne. :D I do go by Annie though :)
Beautiful poem
there is a control and tenderness in this script flow
this poetic walk across the season sky of yearning
expressionism......
Thank You!
So kind.
I never expected to any comments. I am thankful to everyone who has taken the time to read my work.
hI Annie
I've enjoyed this read as it touches gently an important theme.
Welcome to the Neo. I'm sure you'll enjoy your stay here
PS.."sore" line 6 did you mean soar like in soarup...
Never mind , I've done the same mistake more than once:)
Welcome again.
I have dyslexia
Thanks for finding the typo.
Have my cake and eat it too.
Marvelous. You still maintained the personal while generalizing it to be "any" special someone.
Now, thank you for being willing to revise. I hope it was satisfying. Even if the original was special enough to leave, the fact that you revised it tells me that you have a comfortable place here at NeoPoet. You took a risk to improve it and thereby (we trust) you learned a different way of looking at something in your poetry.
THAT is what this site is all about.
Not necessarily better or worse, but different and that provokes growth.
Welcome again. I hope you stick around.
Look into some of the workshops. Stan is running "theory of relativity". Even if you don't join in on the chaos, check it out and see how we teach ourselves.
Shyannne, dislexia or not,
you are going to cop a lot of crap here on Neopoet. True poets don't limit themselves to a god or many gods. Especially the nasty god that suggests we all have original sin and need to be saved.
We gave up on Zeus, Odin and many others because we have evolved to thinking for ourselves.
Jesus doesn't even exist in history and his nasty idea of original sin is enough reason to dismiss the ideas out of hand.
Did you know New Testament was written with no historical evidence of Jesus even existing? The early Christian martyrs were persecuted because there was some fanatic fool who was some idiot who said we would all die and go to hell because the world would end soon. They deserved it.
Jesus is not your saviour, Chritianity causes your human shame that makes you think you need saving.